Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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