Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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