We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
