Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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