i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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