At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
There's always time for handjobs
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
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