I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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