I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
My vagina is officially offended.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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