Plan B is the new Plan A
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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