seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
