I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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