i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
How does one acquire holy water?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
