he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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