My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
