When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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