i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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