my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
