you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
