so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
