I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
