John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
