you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
drinking out of a sandbucket again
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
