U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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