look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
