what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
