hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
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I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize