True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize