Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
