I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
