I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I will pee on everything he values.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
