If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
