On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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