my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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