Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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