You don't have asthma, your pregnant
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
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