I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
