Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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