piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
