She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
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I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
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I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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