Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Randomize
