remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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