man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
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i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
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I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
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