My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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