Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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