you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
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