oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
