The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Randomize
