I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
