Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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