I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
