When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
