I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
