My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Randomize
