Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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